Sinful Sunday: Sharing the bed

I am terrible at sharing a bed.

Not that it was that much of an issue really; sleepovers were rare. I can probably count the number of times he stayed over on one hand.

The very first night we slept together I said, only half joking, that I couldn’t sleep unless I was on the left. He replied in the same tone that he had to sleep on the right.

True to our own words, he always lay, dozed, came at me, from the right hand side of the bed. In the pictures we took, his would have the left hand side of my bedroom in the background; mine would have the right of the room, reflecting our bed-based geography.

The side of the bed is the least of it.
I like the space, the ability to shift into a cooler or warmer part of the mattress as I need, the fact that I can have as many blankets piled across the bottom of the bed as my perpetually cold feet require (as well as bed socks) without having to worry about how uncomfortable they make someone else.

I don’t rest well when there’s another body in there with me. The extra heat, the movement, the breathing (and snoring), the fact that I like to be thoroughly cocooned in the duvet, that my increasingly wonky joints need to be laid or supported at particular angles and heights.

He found my inability to sleep when there was another body present odd. He said he’d found that most women he knew said they slept better when they had company. He found it amusing that the few times he stayed over, he’d wake up to find me wearing an old T-shirt and curling into a tiny space in order to preserve enough of a border between us that his body heat wouldn’t interfere with my need to be thoroughly swaddled by duvet.

I may be able to sleep through anything, including explosions outside my house (at least twice), but I have to be asleep before that superpower kicks in.

And yet, all those other nights, when I had my gorgeous orthopaedic mattress and blanket-laden duvet to myself… When I felt lonely, or cold, or wide awake for no good reason, I would roll onto my right and imagine curling into him, or my hand resting on his chest and playing with the hair under my fingers like I had that very first night.
Even if sleep continued to evade me, doing that relaxed me.

I am terrible at sharing a bed. But now it feels huge and devastatingly empty.

Naked woman alone in double bed

Who else is playing this weekend? Click on the kiss:

Sinful Sunday

49 Comments

  1. Such a bittersweet post… I think it can be very easy to get used to a certain way and when that changes your body can’t quite keep up. I can’t image sleeping alone now but once upon I did and was very happy to have it that way.

    Mollyxxx
    Molly recently posted…Secret GateMy Profile

  2. I cannot sleep without Master T next to me, but I will not be able to sleep with someone else next to me, no matter how sweet and nice I find them. I love this picture, which can be interpreted in you enjoying the open space next to you, but also as you longing for him to be there.

    Rebel xox
    Marie Rebelle recently posted…ClawingMy Profile

    1. I hope I get back to being able to enjoy the space soon, and more pressingly, to be able to sleep again when I roll onto my right.
      I’d also quite like to stop feeling so melodramatic about it all soon, but you’ve got to go through, not around.

  3. A beautiful story to go with the image. I don’t like sharing a bed if my partner comes to bed later than me, because once I wake up, I stay awake. However, I love to warm my toes on his body, or snuggle if the mood strikes me (it rarely does).
    cammiesonthefloor recently posted…BeachMy Profile

    1. I’m the opposite: they must always come to bed after me, or let me settle first. An ex used to offer “solidarity” when I had to be up for 5am, coming to bed early with me. He’d pass out the minute his head hit the pillow – snoring loudly as he did – and steal the covers. I’d be wide awake and utterly exhausted the whole night as a result. *rolls eyes*

  4. The sadness and grief you are feeling at this time is very evident in your image, it is still a stunningly beautiful image non the less.

  5. The picture sums up the words beautifully.
    I always hated sharing a bed with anyone. I have trouble sleeping anyway, tossing and turning, aches and pains, too hot too cold etc. etc. I’m not a cuddler but now I hate the empty space when I’m on my own and I want to snuggle up.
    I hope you’re soon sleeping better 🙂
    Dawn recently posted…Helping HandsMy Profile

  6. I spent the best part of 30 years sleeping alone so when I met Sir I really struggled on losing half of *my* space. In the early days I’d often get up and doze on the sofa. Now it’s the complete opposite, if he’s up working late I’ll be awake until he gets into bed so I can snuggle up to him and those odd nights when he isn’t home are long and without sleep.
    sub-Bee recently posted…Under the seaMy Profile

  7. This is such a beautiful, sad post. Your photo portrays your emotions perfectly. I too, sleep better alone, but I’m happy to give up a deep sleep a night or two a week in order to have a good snuggle. I hope you’ll find your equilibrium again soon.
    mariasibylla recently posted…Window seatMy Profile

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